Not Funny
by mistressmarionette
Summary: The first thing Billy did when he walked through the entrance to the HIVE's new lair was trip on a pie tin... Part Two: Wykkyd/Angel, more pie, and spit curls
1. Part One

I don't know WHAT I'm doing starting a new story…ugh. This one is actually going to be pretty short, though. Maybe three chapters? Five at most? I hope. Anyway, for people who don't know:

Jinx-Jaya Sandavas

See-More-Seymour Evans

Billy Numerous-William Jones

Kyd Wykkyd-Elliot Knight

Private HIVE-Bailey Frinze-Perez

Angel-Angelica Imbrecht

Mammoth-Montego Lopez

Gizmo-Vito Giovanni

XL Terrestrial-Xilo

Jonathon Rancid-Johnny

Punk Rocket-Rocky

Kitten-Katharine Keith

This story picks up at the end of the Mother Mae-eye episode on the show. For those of you unfamiliar with the personalities, names, concept, etc. for the HIVE presented here, please check out **Jinxed For Life, Old School,**** Spoiled Rich Kids, And So Another Day Began, **and** The Stupid Idea **(written by me) and **Mind Control, Pillow Forts and Distractions, **and** A Wykkyd One-Shot** (by the Metronome Maven). Some differences exist between our stories, but most of everything was developed by Maven and me.

* * *

**Not Funny-Part One**

The first thing Billy did when he walked through the entrance of the HIVE's new lair was trip on a pie tin.

Three thoughts crossed his mind:

1. That's really annoying.

2. I probably deserved that.

3. I really hate pie.

He kicked at the pie tin viciously. He couldn't think of anyone from HIVE who had ever developed a taste for pie. None of them ate enough to develop a taste for anything. Freaking anorexics.

Billy was not an anorexic. He was a snob. Common-people food was gross. He simply refused to eat anything frozen, or out of a can. This greatly limited his options.

The visit home had sucked, he and his dad were off speaking terms again, and worst of all, his dad actually seemed genuinely hurt this time. Dad wasn't supposed to actually _feel_ things. That was really annoying too.

And he'd gotten a new secretary. Blonde, and all the right proportions. Ugh.

Billy picked himself up and rehearsed what he was going to say in his head one more time. This needed to look good. This needed to look like he actually wanted to be here, back in California with the hippies. This needed to look like he wasn't just doing it because he knew how much it would piss off dad. Dad had developed a vendetta against California. Give the old man a chance and he'd build a bomb-testing site in San Francisco…

Billy wrinkled his nose. It smelled like blackberries, and weird, warm, vaguely sweet scents he didn't recognize, and didn't like.

He stood and brushed himself off. Then he thought better of it and mussed himself up a little again. Looking a little roughed up might evoke some sympathy.

"Uh, hi?" He called out into the hallway. "Anybody home?"

Hopefully Angelica would be there to smooth things over. Angelica was probably the only one who liked him anymore.

Billy hadn't exactly meant to disappear the way he had. There certainly wasn't any way he could have known what was going on the school, anyway. Teen Titans? Students disappearing? Brainwashing? Jeez. It wasn't his fault he had good timing.

And then the call came. Seymour had had unusually bad timing.

Dad had dragged Billy to a big public function; another "image thing" they just had to do because the Jones family dealt in weapons of mass destruction, and if you wanted to stay in business, you needed to make nice about it. When in America, it was all about patriotism; when in England, it was just business, so sorry for the inconvenience, fancy a smoke? When in China, well, everybody knew who the Jones _really_ sided with, and the Japanese were also under the impression that Jones was their man all the way. India was a tough sell; they were a smart bunch, and they weren't exactly in the habit of blowing up other countries. And North Korea…well, it was just a matter of time.

Anyway, right in the middle of the big opening speech, the warm welcome, the blah blah blah, Billy had felt his communicator buzzing away in his pocket. He dodged out between caterers and security detail to find a corner of the hall to sit and answer the communicator he was supposed to have left in the hotel room.

"Well, look," the communicator hissed. "If it isn't Daddy's boy."

Billy tried to remember if he and Seymour had been fighting more than usual before he left.

"Pardon?"

"Oh, shut up. It figures Daddy'd pull you out before things got bad."

"Who?"

"So now what? Are you CEO yet? Selling nukes to Iraq? I can't believe you. We have to deal with all this CRAP here, and you're off in god-knows-where drinking champagne and eating, eating diamond sushi or something! You spoiled-rotten, rich bast---"

"Jeez! What's with you?"

It was then that Billy felt a tap on his shoulder, and snapped his communicator shut before he could even think.

It was the Indian ambassador's daughter, Madhvi. She smiled thinly. "Are all Americans this rude?"

"Huh?"

"My father would not even _let_ me bring my cell phone to this function. He said if it were to go off during the chamberlain's speech…but I suppose you are an exception, since you are not exactly...politically offiliated," She finished with a sly smirk. "I suppose this is just another business opportunity for you and your father."

Billy narrowed his eyes. "Yeah, I guess so."

After a moment's hesitation, Madvhi knelt primly next to him, and sat there with an air of expectation. Billy raised an eyebrow. "What?"

Madvhi smiled again, a little more broadly. "You have got cigarettes, right? All Americans smoke, do they not?"

Billy sighed and pulled out the pack and lighter he'd hidden in his dinner jacket. "Knock yourself out."

Soon the twin teenagers of the English ambassador found them, and then the Chinese ambassador's son, and they were having a regular old party outside the party when dinner was finally called, and Billy had all but forgotten about Seymour's call.

Until he finally got back to Jump City, and found what was left of the school.

Trashed equipment. Rubble. A few dead bodies, kid-sized. Billy didn't dare to venture further into the wreckage.

Finding the HIVE's new hide out had taken longer than it should have, but at least it gave Billy time to prepare a nice-sounding apology.

He peered down the entrance hallway of what _had _to be the HIVE's new lair, and tried again. "Um, hello?"

He began walking down the hall, keeping one hand against the wall to steady himself. And in case of booby-traps. They'd been learning a lot about booby traps at school…

…school. What the hell had _happened_?

"Uh, I like the new place," He called out. "It's very…secret lair."

He came to a fork in the hallway, and chose to go left. Left generally worked out well for him as a directional choice.

"Um, I got a good look at the school. Holy crap…I mean, I had no idea. I went home because Dad wanted me to go to some foreign embassy thing…I didn't know anybody was going to freaking _blow up the school._"

There were a couple rooms along this new hall. Billy knocked on a couple doors; nobody answered.

Billy was feeling stupider by the minute. They were probably ignoring him on purpose, if they really thought he had something to do with what happened to the school.

"I'm really sorry I wasn't there when you guys needed me," He said, and then stopped to consider the phrase. Did that even sound genuine? Of course, it _wasn't_ genuine, but it needed to _sound_ genuine. That sort of thing generally required a nicer tone of voice, one that he didn't consider a part of his repertoire. And who said they needed him? They'd probably just find that insulting to their physical prowess or something. But if Seymour hadn't been calling him about not being there to help with the school, then why had he sounded so angry? Was it just because Billy hadn't been there to…_participate_ in the emergency? That was so dumb.

And the fact that it was _only_ Seymour who had called him really wasn't good. That was the _really_ annoying part. Angelica hadn't tried to contact him. He hadn't heard from Xilo is ages. Even a call from Jinx would have been welcome at this point…

Jinx. Oh. There she was.

The lighting in the HIVE's new hide-out was dim, and Billy had to squint to get a good look at Jinx's silhouette. It didn't look right, from where he was standing. Jinx generally looked thin and stickish and spiky, not round and…frilly.

She ran down the hall towards him, and Billy began to piece together the details of her outfit. Her combat boots were gone, and her hair had been yanked down into tightly braided pigtails with big bows. Her dress was white, emphasizing her pale skin in a way Billy knew she hated, and had possibly two hundred petticoats under his skirt, poofing it out every which way.

Billy looked her up and down and sighed. "Well, I was going to say that I'm happy you're over your punk phase, but I think this might be worse."

She giggled hysterically, and Billy wondered Jinx was suddenly so happy to hear his criticism of her appearance. Usually a comment like the one he'd just made warranted a solid kick in the ankle with her combat boots…

…which had become shiny ballet slippers with laces wrapping up her legs. Hoo boy.

Billy shook his head. "Alright, so you're on a new phase. Whatever. Look, like I was just saying, I'm really sorry about---"

"Brother!" Jinx cried. She dove onto him and wrapped her arms around him, rubbing her head against his chest like a cat.

Billy stood, frozen and horrified. Finally he gathered his senses enough to say, "You are _touching_ me."

Jinx _mmhmm-_ed and squeezed him tighter. Billy tried to pry her off of him, which only made her dig her nails in and giggle. He winced a little.

"Look, this isn't funny. What's wrong with you? What happened to the school? It was a wreck when I go there---"

"Jinxy-poo! Let your big brother _breathe_ a little sweety!" A warm voice cooed. Jinx let go of Billy abruptly and skipped down the hall, singing, "Mother Mae-eye, Mother Mae-eye! Billy's home, Billy's home!"

A plump, short little women met Jinx at the end of the hall and handed her a pie. "Go eat up, sweety! You are so _thin_! Make sure not to get any on your pretty white dress!"

Jinx skipped off merrily with her pie. Mother Mae-eye advanced on Billy, who was looking at his shirt. When Jinx had hugged him, she'd rubbed stains into his shirt. He touched one of the stains gingerly and smelled it. Blackberry. Well, that was one mystery solved: the case of the mysterious smell in the HIVE's new hide-out...

"Welcome home, dearest deary Billy-Willy! My goodness! Did you get taller while you were away?"

Billy looked down at the woman who, amazingly enough, he _was_ taller than. But the occasion didn't allow him the opportunity to enjoy being taller than someone else. "Uh, who are you?"

"I'm your mother, silly! Mather Mae-eye!"

Billy inspected the woman a little more carefully, and said, "I find that claim _highly_ suspect."

Mother Mae-eye blinked, her enthusiasm faltering a little. "Dear?"

"Well, I mean, I wouldn't know. I mean, I've never _met_ my mother," Billy admitted. "But…you really don't seem like my dad's type. He generally likes women who are more…you know. _Attractive_."

Mother Mae-eye pursed her lips and wagged her cooking ladle at him. "Silly boy! That's not the sort of conversation to be having with your mother _at your age_!"

"But you're _not_ my mother."

Mother Mae-eye smiled warmly. "You sound very confused. You must be hungry! My poor baby, so dizzy from starvation! You need _pie_."

She grabbed for his hand, but he shook her off. "I don't like pie," said Billy. "I never liked that home-boy, all-American, southern, you know, _connotations_ that came with apple pie."

"Well, it doesn't have to be apple!" Mother Mae-eye said brightly. "We can try blackberry, strawberry, rhubarb, cherry---"

"Woman, I said _no_," Billy said coldly. "Are the others here?"

"You mean your brothers and sister?"

"Um…no. I don't have any brothers or sisters. Are you referring to---"

"Jinxy-poo and See-Saw More, and Mammy Mothy, and Gizzy-momo and---"

"Actually, I don't know who those people are," Billy said quickly. "At least, I hope I don't."

Mother Mae-eye narrowed her eyes. "Oh. Is that so? Then you must be an _intruder_."

Before his eyes, Mother Mae-eye began to darken and grow until she was a hook-nosed, wart-faced, scraggly looking monster who was, unfortunately, taller than Billy.

Billy could be very good at picking up social cues when he felt like it, and he could tell that this transformation was his cue to leave. He turned tail and ran faster than he'd ever run for gym at HIVE. Their coach would have been proud.

Billy didn't know where else to go. He drove back to the secret entrance to the school he had found and sat in his car for a while, smoking and thinking.

Going back home to Texas was out of the question. The HIVE apparently weren't going to have him, under their…_new management_. There was always Johnny Rancid, but he was probably sick of being bothered by dumb kids. He was also probably sick of the trouble Billy inevitably brought with him every time he stayed over. And Kitten…well, it wasn't as if she could facilitate a place for him to _live_, not with Daddy and Fang all over her all the time. As nice as Kitten was, she was pretty much useless. Billy tried to think of other people he liked that were willing to put up with him, and couldn't think of any.

He sank a little lower in the driver's seat. The whole point of coming back to Jump City had been the convenience of having people who were willing to put up with him.

The car was filling up with smoke, the way Billy liked it. He took a deep breath, which turned into a horrified gasp when someone knocked on the window. Before he could roll down the windows to let out the smoke and see who it was, Elliot teleported into the passenger's seat and began pawing Billy's pockets for cigarettes.

Billy tossed him the pack, laughing. "Jesus! You nearly gave me a heart attack!"

Elliot nodded and gestured for a lighter. Billy gave him that as well. To his own surprise, he was actually genuinely happy to see Elliot, despite his usual misgivings. Elliot rarely spoke, making communication difficult, and tended to be very cryptic in his sign language. He was also...well, Billy wasn't entirely sure _what_ Elliot had been doing with Angelica lately, but the two appeared to be dating. Or just sleeping together. Who knew anymore. Billy didn't know, and he didn't like it. But it was nice to see a familiar face that wasn't gussied up with frilly ribbons and berry-pie stains.

"Uh, so a lot's happened?"

Elliot shrugged as he lit his cigarette.

"I got a good look at the school. Jeez. I mean…people _died_."

Elliot shrugged again, and blew smoke at the window, which hit the glass and rebounded back at him. Coughing, he began rolling the window down.

Billy took a careful look at Elliot's back, and decided to try the angle he's been preparing since he'd gotten into California. "Look, I mean…I don't know what happened, but I'm really sorry I wasn't there to help."

Elliot stared out the window as if he hadn't heard the other boy speak.

Billy coughed slightly. "Everyone I've seen so far looks okay, out of our group anyway. I mean besides the weird…the, when…I guess…but _Angelica'_s okay, right?"

Elliot turned and stubbed his cigarette out hard on Billy's hand. Billy stared at the burn mark the usually silent boy was making on his hand.

"Shut up," said Elliot. "Do you have any idea how stupid you sound?"


	2. Part Two

Ah, second chapter. Thanks for the reviews so far!

**Part Two**

_

* * *

__Before..._

When Billy returned to the embassy dining room and took his place at the long table, his father had his trademark business-smile on, but Billy knew better.

"I told you," his father murmured discretely, "That if you brought that cell-phone thing to one more public function, I would say something really stern, and, God forbid…take it away, or, or something. Isn't that what I'm supposed to do?"

Billy smirked. Years of living away from home at a private school had left his father, and Billy himself, severely out of practice in father-son etiquette.

"I mean, _I_ don't care," his father continued. "But it's not fair that you get to run off and…textual message, and leave me here to deal with everyone's questions about you. I brought you here to answer those questions yourself."

Everybody wanted to know if this mysterious young man, this William "Billy" Jones was really going to be the next man in charge of Jones Corps., the largest producer of weapons globally since anyone could remember.

Billy shrugged. "It was from school."

"Was it _important_?"

Billy frowned and tried to remember what the actual call had consisted of. He shrugged. "I guess so."

George Jones sighed. "You need to do better than that. That school isn't your top priority at the moment. Here and now, _this_ is your top priority. Schmoozing with the morons in this room. We've got every country here with open chequebooks. _Sell_ it."

"They're all going to buy more nukes anyway. I don't get-"

"War is never a guarantee. We've got to encourage violence if we want to profit from it," Billy saw his father's face slipping into something a little more tired. George fixed his son with a bedraggled, expectant look. "This is going to be your job soon. _Focus_."

* * *

_After..._

Billy had never felt so focused in his life. He focused long and hard on the skin of his hand burn under Elliot's cigarette.

Three thoughts crossed his mind:

Elliot is talking, that's unusual.

Elliot is doing something distinctly not nice, cute, or funny.

I finally have a legitimate reason to hit Elliot. Hoo-freaking-ray.

Billy swung a fist back and aimed for Elliot's trademark pretty face. Elliot teleported away just as Billy's fist was about to make impact with his nose. The force he had put into the punch carried Billy sprawling across the seat. He pushed himself up and sat in the driver's seat, fuming.

Elliot reappeared with his cigarette, and blew smoke Billy's way.

Billy inspected his hand. Burns took longer to heal then regular cuts and bruises. He was going to have an ugly little cigarette-sized burn in plain sight for at least a week, which was a short healing time for others, maybe, but an age of ugly scars for Billy. "That was completely unnecessary."

"The next one goes on your face. You are lucky the others are not here."

"Look, can you just tell me what's going on, while you're in the talking mood?"

Elliot ignored the slight about his silent habit. "Where have you been?"

"China, alright? Freaking China! I just got back to the states last week. I just got back to Jump today. I have no clue what's going on."

"You ar a liar."

"What?"

"You are a liar and a…daddy's boy," Elliot finally decided. When he _did_ talk, he was always choosy with his words. 'Daddy's boy' was a bit low class for his usual vocabulary, albeit accurate.

Billy kicked back in his seat and snorted. "Well, fuck you too."

Elliot tossed what was left of his cigarette in Billy's direction.

The question was buzzing in several parts of Billy's brain, but he didn't want to say it because it made him feel like a little kid.

Elliot stole another cigarette from the pack Billy had left out, and gestured for a light. Billy shrugged and turned away. Elliot shrugged and pretended to smoke his unlit cigarette.

"Um," said Billy.

Elliot blew nonexistent smoke in his direction to indicate he was listening.

It was too much to not ask. It was practically the only reason California had been a good idea. "…where's Angelica?"

Elliot rolled his eyes and tossed the second cigarette away. Then he appeared to regret it and pulled out a third. He gestured for Billy to light it.

"Tell me where Angelica is."

Elliot gestured again with his cigarette stubbornly.

Billy sighed and pulled out his lighter. Elliot snatched it from him. "She is not here," said Elliot.

"Yeah, I can see that. Where is she?"

Elliot shrugged.

Billy glared at him. "Well, you _left_ with her."

Elliot shrugged again. "She is…flighty. Do not get your Oedipus complex in a knot, I am sure she is fine, and still screwing someone else who is not you."

Billy took a deep, calming breath. This wasn't the time to get into a jealous, petty fight over Angelica. "That's not why I'm asking."

"Yes it is. By the way," Elliot leaned in conspiratorially and smirked the smug smirk of one who would know, "She is probably the most fantastic shag in the galaxy, and across several dimensions. I highly recommend giving her a try, if you can. But I guess you cannot."

Billy swung another punch. This time it connected squarely with Elliot's jaw.

The teleporter appeared stunned for several moments. He gazed at Billy in disbelief and pointed at his own jaw, as if to confirm that he'd been hit.

Billy nodded. "Yeah. I hit you. You were-"

Elliot swung back.

This continued for about half an hour, all contained inside Billy's car. The HIVE were renowned for their stamina and pain tolerance.

When they were both tired and bored, Billy lit them both cigarettes and settled back in his seat. It hurt to bite down on his cigarette to hold it in place. Elliot was trying to staunch the flow of his bleeding nose with his hands. "Don't bleed on my goddamn car," said Billy, wincing at the pain it cost him to talk.

Elliot held his cigarette in his hand, unable to even bring it to his mouth unless he douse it in blood. "I cannot believe you hit me in the _face_."

"Somebody ought to more often," said Billy. "This is why we don't let you talk in public. You say shit like that."

"You mean, such as how you have been lusting after Angelica since-"

The fight renewed itself for a few more minutes, and stopped when Billy noticed that they were indeed getting blood all over the seats. They stepped out, releasing a cloud of pent-up smoke from the inside of the Bentley.

After a moment of misgiving, Billy walked around the car and held Elliot's hair back while he spat blood on the pavement. "It's not my fault you've got a bone structure made out of glass. This is pathetic," he said guiltily.

Elliot pushed him off and glared.

Billy sighed. "It's probably good that we're getting this out of our systems anyway."

"There is more where that came from," Elliot spat.

"Yeah, you and what army?"

"Me and everyone else. Stop pretending as if you do not know." Elliot sat down and rested his back against the Bentley's front wheel.

Billy scuffed a converse shoe on the pavement. "Well, I don't know. Tell me."

"I am not good at that kind of thing."

"I don't need you to tell me _good_, just _tell_ me."

* * *

_What Elliot Said..._

You disappeared a few weeks before it happened. We did not think much of it, because you tend to do that whenever you feel like ditching class, and you always get away with it since you are the son of such a prominent sponsor, so fine, whatever, as Seymour says.

Brother Blood-oh forget it_, Sebastian_-had been getting really tight about the progress of the 'project' at school. Jinx, Gizmo, Mammoth, and Stone were always in the gym for extra training. Stone was acting strangely, but no one really had time to think about that.

It was the middle of the day, and there was a low alert going around because someone had spotted intruders…no details included. Jinx and her team were in for some kind of test. Again, no details.

And then the whole school collapsed.

* * *

_After..._

"The end," said Elliot.

Billy just stared at him. "You've got to be kidding me."

Elliot shrugged. "I am not good at this."

"So, to summarize, vague shit happened, the school collapsed, and it's randomly my fault because I _just wasn't there_?"

Well, it was a weaponary test, was it not? Your father was testing weapons on the school."

Billy felt ice in his stomach as Seymour's words came back to him:

"_It figures Daddy would pull you out before things got bad._"

"No," Billy said uncertainly. "No, it wasn't."

"You sound awfully confident," Elliot snorted.

"My dad had no reason to test a weapon at HIVE. They use wastelands in the Middle East for that. Not schools."

"Do they have meta-humans in the Middle East?"

"_What?_"

Elliot sighed. "I am not good at explaining these things…the theory, according to Seymour, is that your father was developing a weapon to use against meta-humans. People like us, people with powers. The 'project' at HIVE was to make us work to fulfill our full capacity of strength. When the weapon was finally tested, we were all at our strongest, and all that would be left would be to measure the varying degrees of damage the weapon had upon us."

Billy made mouths at the air for a little while before finally saying, "My dad's biggest-selling patent is nuclear bombs. I'm pretty sure those work on _everybody_. And my dad's a…whatchamacallit, mega-human-"

"Meta-human-"

"He's got powers too. Where do you think I got my powers?" Elliot raised his eyebrows suggestively, and Billy continued angrily, "What, you think he tested stuff on _me?_"

Elliot shrugged. "You usually make him sound so terrible."

"Fuck you. Fuck everybody. My dad loves me more than life itself. I had a great childhood. He's a great father," Billy said vehemently. By most standards, it really was true, he realized with some misgivings. But being a good father didn't change the fact that George Jones had some ridiculously through-the-roof expectations that Billy didn't want to be caught up in. "He didn't test squat on me, and he didn't test anything on you guys either. Jesus freaking Christ!"

"Well, how did the school come to collapse?"

"Fuck me with a gun if I know!"

"That sounds rather tempting at the moment," Elliot said dangerously.

Billy smacked his head back against the car and groaned. "I came back because stuff here is supposed to be _normal_ and uncomplicated and down to earth." Not schmoozing with the ambassadors of Every-Land. Not dealing with pie-doling _drug dealers,_ or whatever that crazy bitch at the HIVE's lair had been.

Elliot rolled his eyes.

"I mean, as long as everyone we know is alright, it doesn't really matter what happened, right?"

"We never found Stone."

Billy felt ice in his stomach again, with extra sharp chips scraping at his insides. "What?"

"Jinx, Gizmo, and Mammoth could not confirm what happened to Stone. They seemed very upset when they tried to talk about it, so no one has asked them about it again. At least, not since I last checked."

"And when was that? Well, how long _have_ you been away with…Angelica?"

Elliot sighed.

* * *

_Before..._

Moving in together had been a mistake.

Not an outright, obvious mistake. The mistake took far too long to reveal itself, and by the time it did the sex was no longer good enough to keep them in the same bed, and the idea of each other's company was no longer enough to keep them in the same room, let alone the entirety of Los Angeles.

The bottom line was that Angelica was fundamentally a nice, caring, giving, good person. And Elliot was not. So he decided to go back to Jump City, where people didn't expect him to talk about his feelings, or take consideration for others, or be anything besides cute, likeable, and distant. At least in Jump City, no one expected him to be committed. No one even expected him to talk.

Finding the new HIVE lair hadn't been easy, but it had probably taken less time than it would have for someone else. Elliot didn't understand how the others lived without the ability to teleport.

His first instinct had been to find Seymour, because Seymour was always more than happy to talk enough for two, and Elliot was afraid of the questions, afraid of having to explain that he, the lucky one that Angelica had taken an _interest_ in, hadn't been up to snuff for her…expectations. It had been a riot, the other boys' jealousy while he and Angelica had been an item. Without her, Elliot was back to being fair game for his friends to attack in a fit of jealous rage, or something. He was completely unprotected.

He decided to find Bailey and Montego and just face them to get it over with. They would be angry, because they had always protected Angelica with their lives, and had probably always secretly wanted to be more than friends with her, so to speak.

He had found Bailey first…

…wearing a bow tie.

And suspenders. And shiny black shoes. With his usually unruly hair slicked into _spit curls_.

Elliot disappeared in a huff of smoke right then and there. And then reappeared out of curiosity.

Bailey clapped with big, flat hands, the way kids do before they realize that cupping their hands to clap makes a louder, more impressive sound. "Nice trick!"

Elliot shrugged and took a bow. Like it wasn't the five hundredth time Bailey had seen him do that.

There were red stains all over Bailey's white shirt, and at first Elliot assumed Bailey had just been in a fight or something, and that the stains were blood. But it couldn't have been that; Bailey's hair was too perfectly composed in its _spit curls _to have just survived a fight. Elliot sniffed the air, and, being a natural berry connoisseur, recognized the scent of cherries. He felt his mouth watering. He loved cherries.

"Elly! You're _back_!"

The voice was sickly-sweet, and Elliot was certain he had never given anyone permission to call him _Elly_. He turned slowly to look at the woman behind him. He waved at her. She waved her ladle back, and then shushed him with it.

"Let's play the _quiet_ game! I know it's your favorite!" She winked at him. "Follow me, and I'll fetch you a pie."

More scents filled the air. Cherries. Blackberries. Blueberries. Elliot had never thought himself capable of drooling, but he was coming dangerously close.

The little woman with the ladle led him into the kitchen, and Elliot realized that Bailey had followed them as well. On the counter sat pie after pie after pie.

Suddenly Elliot's appetite disappeared. He frowned at the pies.

The woman with the ladle, oblivious to his change of heart, held up a blueberry pie and a fork, and mimed eating it all up. She held the pie and utensil out to Elliot.

He shook his head, no.

Unperturbed, the woman picked up an apple pie and held this out as well. Elliot shook his head again. Cherry, pumpkin, blackberry, boysenberry, and peach were all refused in the same manner.

"If he's not going to eat them, can I have them?" Bailey cried excitedly. Elliot stared at him in horror. Usually, between Bailey's large size and slow demeanor, this level of childish excitement would have been comical. For some reason it made Elliot feel ill instead.

The woman waved her ladle at Bailey disapprovingly, "We're playing the _quiet_ game."

Bailey saluted her enthusiastically. "Ma'am, yes ma'm! Sorry, Mother Mae-Eye!"

Mother Mae-Eye chuckled. "That's my good little soldier. Oh, all right, have a pie."

Bailey gave her another enthusiastic salute, gave a thumbs-up to Elliot, and skipped away with a blueberry pie.

It occurred to Elliot that he had never seen Bailey _skip_ before.

"Now then," Mother Mae-Eye returned her attention to Elliot. "Let's see what kind of pie you'd like instead. Oh, game's over sweetie! You can speak now."

Elliot stared at her dumbly.

Mother Mae-Eye pursed her lips and cooed. "Oh, honey! Elly dear! I know you've always been told that nothing but _naughty_ things come out of your mouth, but nothing you say can hurt me, dear! It's all right! Mother's as tough as nails, and she loves you no matter what you say."

That was all the invitation Elliot needed. "What the _fuck_ are you supposed to be?"

Mother Mae-Eye waved her ladle at him. "Now, I may be tough as nails, but I know that you can do better than that. I'll teach you to speak more gently…with _pie_!" She held up a rhubarb pie. "Say _I love you_."

Funnily enough, Angelica had wanted him to say something like that too. Elliot already knew that if he couldn't say it for Angelica, he couldn't say it for anyone.

As he always did when he didn't know what to do, he disappeared.


End file.
